What Does Self-Care Look Like When You Struggle to Rest?
Something I see constantly in my work with creatives and other high achievers is difficulty resting. For so many people, there’s always a sense of not doing enough, and a fear that if they stop to rest for even a moment, they will fall behind.
I could talk about this all day long, because I have two firm beliefs about rest: laziness is a myth created by capitalism and rest is an act of rebellion. What do I mean by that? Capitalism has sold us this narrative that we must be constantly productive in order to be successful. It’s the whole “rise and grind” mentality. And because of that narrative, I believe that resting and engaging in self-care is an act of rebellion against capitalism.
But that leaves the question that a lot of people struggle with: how do I take care of myself if I don’t know how to rest? Let’s get into it.
Why Can Rest Feel So Difficult?
Rest can feel difficult because many of us never learned how. The myth that we need to be productive all the time is deeply, deeply ingrained in most of us, and rest is something we have to intentionally learn how to do. Additionally, guilt and self-critical thoughts often arise for high achievers trying to rest – “I’m lazy,” “I’m not doing enough,” “I’m going to fail if I take time off” – making it extremely hard to relax.
Does Resting Always Mean Doing Nothing?
Not at all. We often think of resting as taking a nap or sitting on the couch doing nothing, but there are many different types of self-care that can help you regulate and feel more rested. Play, creativity, and quality time with loved ones can all serve as ways to help you feel rested.
Play – or doing things just for fun – can be hugely regulating. It gives your brain space to relax and it reconnects you to sources of joy that you may have lost touch with. Creativity lights up different parts of your brain than you may typically use, which gives your thinking brain the opportunity to rest. And quality time with people you love can be incredibly nourishing, especially if you tend toward isolation when you’re working.
What Kind of Self-Care Helps When You Have Trouble Slowing Down?
There are six main types of self-care that I like to talk about with my clients: regulating, nourishing, connecting, creating, reducing demands, and tending to your environment.
Regulating
This type of self-care is anything that serves to regulate your nervous system. Some examples of this are meditation, breathing and grounding exercises, movement, going outside, and most importantly, sleep. Regulating your nervous system is an important way of helping you feel more calm, less stressed and anxious, and better able to engage in activities that are important to you.
Nourishing
Nourishing boils down to giving your body what it needs, mentally and physically. Eating (preferably balanced meals, but fed is best), drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, moving your body, and cleaning yourself are some of the many ways you can nourish your body. Nourishing and regulating activities are the first places I point clients if I see them struggling to rest or teetering toward burnout.
Connecting
Connect with community. Whether that’s seeing friends, spending quality time with your partner(s), calling your family, or playing games with friends online, connecting with others plays a huge role in our overall well-being. Humans evolved to live in community, and that’s easy to lose sight of when so many of us work in more isolating jobs.
Creating
This is one I will harp on forever. Do something creative, and if you’re a creative professional, do something creative that is outside of your usual artform. It’s important here that the goal of this is to create for the sake of creating, not to build a skill or create a masterpiece. Creating can be a very meditative and mindful activity, and it can go a long way toward resting, regulating, and reconnecting with things that bring you joy.
Reducing Demands
For this, I always use my favorite saying: “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” I have no idea where I first heard this, but it’s something that has stuck in my perfectionist brain for years. When we talk about reducing demands, what I really mean is to lighten your load. Delegate a work or household task, put an auto-reply on your email and mute your notifications, fix the easiest meal you can think of (or just order out), do a shorter workout, wash your face if a whole shower is feeling like too much. Whatever is weighing heavily on you, find ways to make it lighter.
Tending to Your Environment
This one may not seem like self-care, but your environment plays a huge role in your overall well-being. We’ve all been there: the dishes have piled up in the sink, there’s a mountain of laundry on the bed, clutter has built up on the available flat surfaces, and it leaves you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and maybe even depressed. So tending to your environment – in big or small ways – can be very helpful. It doesn’t have to be anything huge (see “reducing demands” above), but even doing some light tidying can make a difference.
When Should You Talk to a Therapist About Difficulty Resting?
Difficulty resting on its own doesn’t necessarily mean you need to talk to a therapist. However, if you find yourself rarely resting, feeling restless and anxious when you try to rest, or moving toward burnout, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you explore the obstacles that keep you from resting, your patterns with work and rest, the messages you’ve been sent throughout your life about rest, and ways to move toward a more balanced, restful life.
If you’re looking for support, I encourage you to learn more about individual therapy with me, or you can schedule a free 30-minute consultation to talk more about what it might be like for us to work together.
FAQs
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Capitalism loves to tell us that we must be productive at all times, and often, guilt arises when we take a break from that productivity. It’s been so deeply ingrained into us that we always have to be working toward our goals that taking a break to relax can feel wrong somehow, which often leads to that guilt.
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Often, when relaxation doesn’t feel restorative, it’s time to reassess what you’re considering “rest.” If you’re someone who feels depressed or guilty after sitting on the couch watching TV all day, maybe engaging in creativity or tending to your environment will feel better for you. If you feel on edge when you take a nap, maybe finding some movement, eating a nourishing meal, and reserving sleep for bedtime will help you feel more at ease. There are many, many ways to practice self-care, and they’re not all going to be a fit for every person.
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Absolutely. So many of us have such high expectations of ourselves that it can often feel overwhelming. Taking things off your plate – or making them just a little easier – can help you feel less stressed and allow more time for things that help you feel rested.
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If you’re feeling overwhelmed, making self-care a little smaller can help it feel more achievable. You don’t need to develop a whole morning and evening routine complete with meditation, exercise, and who knows what else for self-care to be effective. Pick one thing from one of the categories above and intentionally spend time doing it. Anything you do to care for yourself, no matter how small, helps move you toward feeling more rested and restored.
Resources
Clarity Therapy NYC. Meditative Art Practices: Enhancing Your Work with Mindfulness-Based Creativity. Retrieved from https://www.claritytherapynyc.com/meditative-art-practices-enhancing-your-work-with-mindfulness-based-creativity/
Healthline. Grounding Techniques: Exercises for Anxiety, PTSD, and More. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques#how-do-they-work
Stanford Medicine. Stuck in Survival Mode: How to Regulate Your Nervous System. Retrieved from https://lifestylemedicine.stanford.edu/survival-mode/
